While at times it will seem that you speak different languages, live in different realities and want completely different things, at the most basic level, you must find a common world in order to have a growing, committed relationship. Both partners in a committed relationship must actively work to find a common world to relate. For one who wants a relationship with Christ, we must seek Him, and He must reveal Himself.
We enjoy the things we have in common; we grow through those places where we are different.
If you have the same world view or politics, it can be very easy to discuss politics. It is easy and fun to watch the news when you have the same views about what is going on. You will want to watch the same shows because they actually reinforce your relationship.
The challenge comes when you disagree or have different likes or perspectives. If one of you really enjoys being around people and the other one hates to interact, it can be difficult. Each of you has a chance to grow when you prioritize your relationship. It is because you are in a relationship that you do things you would not otherwise. This may be a challenge for you, but almost always helps you to grow.
This is also often true in our relationship with God. He wants us to do things that are not comfortable. They may not be good or bad, righteous or sinful, but he pushes us to talk to people we would want to avoid or be kind to someone we would rather ignore.
It is very easy to praise and give thanks to God but can be challenging to face the sin that we cannot seem to shake. It would be easier to just accept who we are an move on, but God always challenges us to find righteousness. He wants us to be perfect even though that is not who we think we are.
We find agreement and security where we see things the same, but we grow through our differences. We grow by understanding the world through different eyes.
Over time, our relationships can help us grow. This is done by continuing to talk about the things that we see differently. When things are otherwise good in the relationship, there is time to try to see the world through different eyes. The best eyes are those of your partner.
We really feel at home when we agree on things, but we need disagreements to grow. We do not need to invite disagreements; they will come on their own. Our job is to see them as a way to grow and not something to be feared. Disagreements are not comfortable, but they can teach to react with kindness, patience and mercy. We need disagreements to see our own blind spots. If they are not pointed out, we get a very wrong view of ourselves and our situations. If we patiently seek better understanding, we grow and become better and wiser.
Those disagreements with God show up in our disobedience. When He tells us to do something and we hesitate, we are not seeing His perspective. God knows exactly what we love to do, but He also knows exactly what we need to do to grow. The best way to see the world through God’s eyes is to do exactly what He is leading you to do without hesitation. The world opens up after we find ourselves agreeing with him. We will never “reason our way to Him” because His ways are far beyond our reasoning. As He has stated Himself in Isaiah 55:8-9
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9, ESV).
We can help our relationship to grow by shining light into who we really are.
Relationships tend to grow through honesty. This does not have to be hurtful but should help communicate who we are. Our feelings and thoughts are important when shared with kindness and compassion. Sometimes the most hurtful thing to do is to withhold who we are and what we are thinking.
New self-revelations are best in small doses over time. The time gives us opportunity to incorporate our new understanding into the relationship. It also helps us to minimize the tendency to focus too much our ourselves.
God knows our sins but asks us to confess them to Him. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). This is not for His knowledge, but for our agreement. Likewise, He wants us to bring everything to Him, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God,” (Philippians 4:6).
We test and exercise our love by exploring areas where we disagree.
Every time we reveal ourselves, we are testing the water for more. We are always wondering if we will still be accepted, will this change things, are you still okay with me. It is important to be affirming of the new information shared rather than jumping straight into our own revelations. An insight into my life is a gift. When you are given a gift, you receive it and appreciate it before moving on.
If the gift is kept secure and treated with respect, then the revelation increases our intimacy. This is one way that we become closer and develop a bond that is stronger that all other relationships. Someone has put on a t-shirt, “We will always be friends, you know too much.” This makes the relationship very strong and any breakup all the more devastating.
God tests us by challenging us to obey Him. There are those things that are spelled out in Scripture. That is really just the beginning. Once we have committed to really follow Him, He will give us individual direction. We learn his voice in part by being quick to obey it. The Hebrew word for hearing includes obeying what was heard.
There are three actions that we can take to be committed to someone living in a different world.
Seek to understand everything from your partner’s perspective/angle.
If your partner’s perspective does not make since to you, you probably have not finished your due diligence. Sometimes it is difficult to let go of our own perspective to see something from another perspective, but this is growth. A child hardly has a chance, but as you grow, you should be much more adaptable.
You will never understand everything that God is saying, but you will not even come close until you realize that your assumptions may be wrong. We want to spend our time in praise so that we allow Him to express Himself without our best efforts of pulling him down to our thoughts.
Seek to listen and respond to what you heard.
The only way to really get to know your partner is to really listen. Keep all your questions directed at understanding more. You can ask question that clarify and define what is being said but hold off on sharing your views as much as possible during this time.
Remember to respond to what you heard. There is a difference between responding and “talking next.” You have not fully listened until you respond to what was said. Listening is a handshake, and it feels silly with just one hand involved. When someone shares, you respond to that word before adding your own. Before adding anything new, you want to know that you actually heard what was being said, even if it was said poorly.
Seek humility while you explore a world you do not fully understand.
A lot of people are proud of their pride, but you will not learn anything until you put on humility. We often think we know what someone is going to say and sometimes don’t let them say it. The two problems with that is that sometimes we are wrong and sometimes people need to say what they started to say. We can suspend our pride for some time and allow our partner to talk. Then we suspend our pride and seek to see the world differently at least for a time.
Humility does not necessarily mean admitting that you are wrong, sometimes it is admitting that you might be wrong. There is always more than one way to see something. We are enriched when we can see something from a perspective that is foreign to our own. There is nothing like taking an objective look at yourself.
You may think you know your partner’s world, but there is more there than you know and you will never understand it until you find yourself in there for a time. There is a way of getting into your partner’s world, and you will know you are getting close when you feel uncomfortable.
You cannot get all the way into God’s world, but you see things differently when you get closer. When Isiah found himself called up into the very thrown room of God, he was overwhelmed by his own sin and the sin of his people. The closer we come to His presence it seems, the more we appreciate His mercy and forgiveness.
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