Forgiveness is very personal and often takes time to process. Remember that our God is a God of compassion. He felt all the pain that you experienced as a loving Father who was with you and pulling for you the entire time. However, Jesus made it clear in His keystone sermon, known as the Sermon on the Mount, as well as a number of other places that forgiving others is not optional. If we do not forgive others, we will not be forgiven.
You haven't found forgiveness until you have forgiven everyone.
Christians forgive others because they have been forgiven. It really does not matter who must be forgiven or the reality and severity of the offense. There is no such thing as having a right to be offended and to hold that against someone. We gave up that right when we received our life back from the one that we ultimately offended. Our offense against God is so severe that it carries the death penalty. However, Jesus, God’s only begotten son, paid that debt with His life to spare our life. His criteria is that, if we accept this ultimate forgiveness, is that we make Him Lord and forgive everyone else.
Forgiveness is very personal and often extremely difficult.
Not all offences are the same. There are some offences that can be forgiven the same day that they happened. They were not costly. There are other offences that were very costly and perhaps occurred before you even had language and the thinking ability to process what was happening. Paying a small debt for someone can be done easily. Paying off a debt that costs more than you even have may take more time to work through.
Some offenses are very difficult to forgive. It is similar to trying to become debt-free financially, you may find that you have to save for some time to do it. It may take a concerted, focused effort over a number of years before you can get there. You may find that you have setbacks on the way that slow the process down even more. That is very similar to the effort level necessary to forgive someone of a transgression against you that was very costly.
God is very aware of the cost of forgiveness. God forgave us, but it cost Him his own Son. God could not just look the other way and pretend that something didn’t happen. To forgive us and save us from the cost of our sin (death), He had to sacrifice His own Son. His own Son, reflecting the Father’s love and compassion, shouted from the cross, “…Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 24:34). Forgiveness is often not easy nor immediate; it requires work, humility and sacrifice, but our Lord is the ultimate example.
It's not you, it's me.
The basis of forgiveness is love. We must learn love even those who hate us. This is a straight-forward command from Jesus Himself, “But I say to you, ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you’” (Matthew 5:44). This always sounds better in the abstract, or when applying it to others than it does to apply it to the people who are mercilessly attacking us… and succeeding. For example, when someone discredits you and tries to trick your child, your first response is probably not now you can show them love. When you pray for them, you may not be praying that they find salvation and eternal joy.
We love and forgive because of who we are not because of the person who offended us. Our love and forgiveness not only arises from within us, it is motivated by what is within us. God also loves and forgives us because of who we are not because we have something good within us that only He can see. He forgives us because HE is love.
Our own love demands that we forgive those who have offended us. We cannot love someone and hold back our forgiveness to them. God modeled that for us when He sent His Son to die for us, while we were still sinning against Him. “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8). We were His enemies when Jesus died for us.
There is no reward for loving those who love us. We show who Jesus is by loving and forgiving those who have hurt us. It is easy to love someone that thinks the world of you. It is not too hard to love someone who just doesn’t like you. It gets more difficult when you are trying to love those who are actively trying to destroy you.
Refusing to forgive someone gives you power, but does not make you less of a victim.
Sometimes we don’t want to forgive someone because we want to maintain the power that it gives us over someone who has hurt us. However, that power is a poison. It will destroy us as we let it live.
The power that comes with unforgiveness takes a tremendous amount of energy to maintain. We have to remember not to relate normally with the person we are not forgiving. Sometimes we have to interact with them in the course of living and that interaction has to have underlining messages to make sure that your feelings are clear. All of this takes energy and processing so it makes you less spontaneous and transparent.
The power that comes with unforgiveness diminishes over time, but the effect on you does not dissipate. The impact of the original offense reduces over time. It is less important that he said something wrong “a long time ago” and yet, you have to try to keep it energized in order to maintain your victim and unforgiving status. When you finally bring it out, it no longer seems reasonable.
The forgiveness that we receive is expected to produce fruits of forgiveness.
We cannot accept from God what we are unwilling to extend to others. Jesus was very upset in his own parable about a person that would be forgiven of a debt from his master and not turn around and forgive the one who has a debt against him. The overwhelming gift that we receive when we are forgiven by God more than covers any offense that we experience. As Jesus sort of said, if God can forgive us of billions of dollars in debt, we can forgive our debtor of $10.
When we forgive others just because He told us to, we are really showing how much we value what he did for us. When my daughter was young, I used to give her a candy bar or a bag of candy and then ask her for a bite. She would always quickly, and without hesitation, give me a bite. She did that because she knew and genuinely appreciated the fact that I was the one who gave it to her and that I was the one that could give her some in the future.
“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.” Corrie Ten Boom, Clippings from My Notebook
Vengeance belongs to the Lord; Our job is to forgive.
The simple reaction to being hurt is to want to hurt back and with much more furor. If someone slaps you across the face for no reason, it is very normal to want to flatten them. We generally are not too great at meeting slap for slap. We tend to feel that once someone opens that gate, they have no reason to stand. The same is true for a word. If someone says something bad about us, it is our normal reaction to completely discredit them. We will think about it endlessly and make sure that they regret saying anything negative about us.
If you do not strike back, people will assume that you are weak. You hear it in sports, business, politics and countless other places. If you allow yourself to be hit in whatever way that hit comes, you are showing that you are weak. If someone hits you, it is appropriate and normal to hit back with everything that you have.
While this is normal, it is usually not the best action. One who is mature will withhold the counter reaction and they find things are often not as they seem. When a couple have matured and one strikes out at the other, the other would normally strike back harder. But when they don’t, the usually find that there was more to the story than they realized before. Perhaps their partner was hurt by a misunderstanding or tired. God tells us to “See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone” (1 Thessalonians 5:15). By not striking back, there is an opportunity for developing a stronger relationship.
There is a difference between defending yourself and enacting revenge. Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but he also was careful where He put Himself. He chose how He went into danger and prevented people from controlling him (see John 6:15). There are certain times when we need to de-escalate a situation and stop an attack, but that is different than planning revenge.
God has promised to make things right, this is not our job. “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord’” (Romans 12:19). For the Christian, we know that God sees all things. We are to forgive and love our enemies. If there is a time when vengeance is necessary, God is much more effective at enacting punishment than we are.
When we take our own vengeance, we also stand in God’s way of setting things right. While God way want to make things right, we may increase our own guilt by what we are doing and reduce God’s willingness to defend us. Scripture makes it clear that we can cause ourselves a lot of trouble by trying to enact our own revenge. “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27).
Our job is to model the compassion of Christ. He is quick to forgive us and to show us compassion. He has done that for us in an overwhelming measure. We can now show compassion, love and forgiveness that is a reflection of our servitude to God. This is both obedience and a reflection of who He is. This is our calling and the road to our own joy.
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